Ya know…there is still soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much that I need to get out! HOWEVER, I lack the time…when I have the time, I lack the energy…when I have the energy…WELL…DUH, I USE IT!!! I will come back my friends, just give me time to sort through this C~U~H~RAZY THING CALLED LIFE!!!
MUCH LOVE!!! PEACE OUT!!!
Where to EVEN FRIGGIN’ BEGIN!!!!! I guess starting with I’m sorry is appropriate, but seems a bit redundant! Actually, I feel a bit redundant lately…in life, THAT IS!!! I don’t know why, but I have this compulsive urge to repeat myself excessively…IT ANNOYS THE EFF OUTTA ME!!!!! Wow…bare with me, I’m feeling just about EVERY DAMN EMOTION THERE IS…ALL AT ONCE…INCONTROLLABLY…AND IT’S F*CKING CRAZY!!! That’s pretty much how I would sum up myself and my life right now…CRAZY!!!!!! Y’ever just think you CAN’T TAKE ANYMORE & THEN BAM?!?!? That’s me…I HONESTLY CAN NOT TAKE ANYMORE!!! Or, at least, I don’t wanna have to have anything more to handle!
Guess I oughta back up a little! It’s been about a month since my last post and it’s been one thing after another! There are a few things I couldn’t possibly touch on RIGHT NOW due to issues with discretion and confidentiality…although rather juicy secrets…I JUST CAN’T SHARE…SORRY!!! Someday I would love to have all the freedom in the world to write about whatever and whenever, but I’m really not at that point in my life…SOMEDAY, DAMNIT…GET A GRIP!!! ;o) JoKiN’!!!!!!!
What I won’t can’t write about has brought so much meaning and happiness into my life and I’VE BECOME EVEN MORE GRATEFUL THAN I EVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!!!!! My life is SO DAMN (99%) PERFECT that ALL Y’ALLS’d be oooohin’ N aaaahin’…like I said…MUMS THE WORD! But I had to get into all of that, becoz I said that, “I’m feeling just about EVERY DAMN EMOTION THERE IS…BLAH BLAH BLAH….YADA YADA YADA…F*CKING CRAZY…REMEMBER?!?!?” Well, I had to let you know which goes with what…DUH!!! But SERIOUSLY…NOW…this is where it really gets serious, DAMNIT! And I really mean DAMNIT!!!!! There’s only one other emotion that I should touch on next and JUST GET IT THE HELL OVER WITH!!!! I’ve been so hard at work trying to suppress this next emotion…IT’S BEEN REALLY F*CKIN’ ROUGH!…………
I actually can’t pinpoint one emotion with what I’m about to delve into! It’s dark, depressing, shocking, horrifying, confusing, traumatizing, disgusting…pretty much every negative emotion you could possibly think of! Mentally and emotionally, I feel like my own mind (and my own worst enemy, mind you!!! no pun intended) has been smacking me around (emotionally) like a f*ckin’ tennis ball…back and forth between HAPPY and SAD…an endless match between JOY and ANGER…a race to the finish for ECSTASY and PAIN!!! AND OH THE GUILT!!! I’m a pretty open book ON MOST THINGS IN MY LIFE…so BTW and FYI…I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder and Bipolar Disorder when I was 19…VERY LONG STORIES!!! Someday I hope to get “MY STORY” written somewhere…IT TRULY IS A PECULIAR YET SPECTACULAR STORY!!! Yes, EVERYTHING CAN ALWAYS BE WORSE!!! But! But anyone that can endure what I have, SURVIVE, and BE AS BLESSED AS I AM TODAY…EFFIN’ PROPS, MAN!!!!! Having said all of that, dealing with the mental handicaps I’ve been dealt in life…IT’S A WONDER THAT I’M EVEN MORE SANE THAN COULD POSSIBLY BE EXPECTED!!! I DO BELIEVE that HUMILITY has gotten me through everything…and I thank GOD that, even though it feels like a curse most times, IT KEEPS ME IN MY PLACE AND GUIDES ME MOSTLY ON THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW!!! Someday, I just might break down everything that JUST MAY HAVE confused everyone…MAYBE!!!
Anyhow, I always get way off track NO MATTER WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT…so bare with me…PLEASE AND THANKS!!! ;o) I’m trying to stay positive here and in case y’haven’t noticed, I’ve been stalling! I need to talk this out and blogging is a hell of a lot cheaper than a therapist, but it’s really something a big part of me would just prefer to suppress and PRAY IT NEVER RETURNS!!!!!!!! I need closure, but don’t think I’ll ever get it! YEAH YEAH, I KNOW…JUST GET ON WITH IT…I’m getting there!!!!! There’s more to it than I can even get into…It is, after all, a private family matter!!! You’ll understand what I mean soon enough, I promise! OK, DEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP BREATHS! Yes, I talk to myself often and BEFORE YOU EVEN ASK…I ONLY ANSWER MYSELF WHEN I’M NOT BUSY IGNORING MYSELF!!!
Damn, how do you find the right words to make (what you know to be as) a profound statement?!?!? I don’t even have all of the facts myself, so preparing with a background is almost meaningless! Then there’s the aspect of not wanting to type anything that could/would possibly upset or offend any of our family!!! MY INTENTIONS ARE PURELY INNOCENT…as in, I JUST REALLY NEED TO GET THIS OUT IN ORDER TO DEAL WITH IT MYSELF!!! Yet I don’t want ANYONE to get any wrong ideas about ANYTHING WHATSOEVER!!! This is a very fragile subject…YIKES!!! Thinking and I still haven’t come up with the best way to say it…SO PERHAPS, I SHOULD JUST STATE IT AS HARD AND AS COLD AS IT FEELS DEEP DOWN INSIDE OF ME!!! Just perhaps!
A DISTANT, BUT NOT SO DISTANT COUSIN OF MINE SHOT AND KILLED HIMSELF THIS PAST WEEK!!!
OK, typing it DID NOT make me feel any better…but I’m hoping that “talking” about my perspective on the whole situation (for lack of a better word) WILL DO SOME GOOD, SOMEWHERE, SOMEHOW!!!! Whether it’s me or someone else…I DON’T CARE…I JUST HAVE AN INSATIABLE ATTRACTION TO GOODNESS ESPECIALLY WHEN EVERYTHING SEEMS HOPELESS AND HORRIBLE!!!
I must start out with the fact that HE WAS A WONDERFUL MAN!!! Yes, I know only by WHO I KNEW HIM TO BE!!! I’ve known him all my life and EVERY MEMORY I HOLD OF HIM HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT GREAT TIMES!!! Seriously, THIS IS WHERE I’M HAVING MAJOR MENTAL/EMOTIONAL ISSUES ON THIS!!! Ever since I found out…WHICH, ALL I COULD FEEL WAS PURE, UNADULTERATED SHOCK!!!…every night when I lay my head down to go to sleep, I SEE HIM…HIS FACE…HE ALWAYS SMILES! I see his smile plain as day and CAN NOT FOR THE LIFE OF ME, PICTURE A FROWN…A TEAR…A WINCE…NOTHING BUT A SMILE!!! Smiles are wonderful, they’re great, SMILES ARE LACKING TOO GREATLY ALL ACROSS THE WORLD!!!!! (YES, I’M A TRUE HIPPY AT HEART!!!)
VISUAL IMAGERIES OF A SMILING MAN AND A MAN VIOLENTLY ENDING HIS LIFE DO NOT GO “HAND IN HAND” IN MY HEAD…I DON’T FEEL THEY EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!
I actually can’t handle any part of that statement…it’s like an overload…for real…how do I possibly process that? MY MIND JUST CAN’T!!! MY HEART JUST CAN’T!!! MY SOUL JUST CAN’T!!! AND HERE’S THE MOTHER EFFIN’ KICKER…I’VE BEEN COMMITTED TO A PSYCHIATRIC UNIT 2ce (in my LONG AGO PAST) FOR SUICIDE ATTEMPTS!!!!! If they only knew just how many “silent” attempts back then!!! Yeah, I know…WTF?!?!? That’s another issue I’m having with this…follow me…I KNOW IT’S HARD TO DO!!! I’m not a bad person…IT DOESN’T TAKE AN AWFUL PERSON TO WANT TO DIE!!! It takes a person SO FUCKIN’ WOUNDED AND DESPERATE IN LIFE THAT THEY JUST CAN’T POSSIBLY TAKE ANYMORE WHETHER YOU THINK THEY HAVE THE FUCKING STRENGTH TO PRESS ON OR NOT!!!!!! Yes, I do know there are some assholes in the world that do stupid shit just for attention (as in negative attention is better than no attention at all) or do stupid shit for UNFATHOMABLY* RIDICULOUS REASONS, but I wasn’t one of them, and NEITHER WAS MY COUSIN!!! How do I know?!?!? I JUST DO!!! Like I said before, THERE’S A LOT I DON’T KNOW AND THERE’S A LOT I WON’T TALK ABOUT…BUT TRUST ME, I DO KNOW!!! He’s obviously been tortured by “demons” since his youth…NOTHING HAS EVER BEEN TOLD TO ME (aside from the fact that THERE WAS SOMETHING) AND NOT TOO MANY PEOPLE KNOW…but something UNDOUBTEDLY traumatized him, and eventually “backed him into a corner” leaving him feeling like there was no way out!!! Or, at least, I’m sure that’s how he felt. I can say that without fear of being wrong BECOZ I’VE BEEN THERE!!! There were too many times I felt those 2 corner walls pressed hard against my ass and shoulder blades…IT TRANSCENDS INTENSITY AND ALL IT EVER TAKES IS ONE SLIP OF YOUR JUDGMENT AND A MINISCULE FUCKING SECOND IN TIME!!!!!! I don’t know how many people actually realize that when they’re trying to tell you that EVERYTHING WILL BE FINE, but y’all should definitely know this!!! Now, back to the issue that I’m having with this…personally…coz I only have one voice to speak for myself…HE SUCCEEDED WHERE I THANK THE LORD THAT I NEVER COULD!!! The fact alone that he succeeded is HEART WRENCHING enough as it is, but becoz of these recent events, IT’S BEEN COMPLETELY TAKING ME ON A BAD TRIP!!! A trip back through most of the darkest times in my life!!! (I know this next statement is going to sound completely selfish, as in it’s going to “SOUND” like I’m describing this traumatic event as being an inconvenience in my life…HOWEVER, MAKE NO MISTAKE, I’M VERY AWARE THAT THE MOST INCONVENIENT ASPECT OF THIS WHOLE DAMN SITUATION IS THAT HE’S FUCKING GONE…JUST GONE…JUST LIKE THAT…GONE!!!!!!!) That said…Revisiting my past horrors is not something I care to do when my life is this perfect…I (naturally and humanly) would much rather prefer to be enjoying it!!! THAT IN ITSELF COZES ME SO MUCH MENTAL & EMOTIONAL TORMENT…IT’S UNREAL!!!!!! How can I possibly feel so many different fucking things at the same time, that contradict each other…I DON’T UNDERSTAND ANY OF IT!!! I don’t understand why part of me is that selfish inside somewhere when EVERYTHING INSIDE OF ME SCREAMS OUT…YOU ASSHOLE…YOU LIVE A LIFE THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD (and HAVE!) KILL(ED) FOR…THAT MOST PEOPLE WOULD (and HAVE!) DIE(D) FOR…YOU CAN GO IN AND TUCK YOUR CHILDREN INTO THE SWEETEST OF DREAMS…YOU CAN CALL YOUR MOTHER CRYING JUST TO MAKE SURE SHE’S STILL BREATHING…YOU CAN GO IN AND HOLD YOUR FIANCE…YOU’RE STILL BREATHING…SO SHUT THE FUCK** UP!!!!!! How can I go from one moment of feeling all the love and goodness in the world to a moment of severe emotional pain ALL IN THE SAME BREATH?!?!?
When I’m around my family and friends, I sit/stand there LIVING/ACTING/FEELING one way, AND WHEN I’M ALL ALONE…JUST ME, MYSELF, AND I(rene)***…I HAVE WAY TOO MUCH TIME TO THINK AND FEEL AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE! All I can do is sit there TRYING to imagine all that his family is going through right now! Yes, I’m part of his family, but we all know I’m discussing his Wife, his Children, his Grandaughter, his closest Friends…etc!!! And all the while I’m doing that, I’m going back to those times that I could have put my Family and Friends THROUGH THE SAME DAMN THING!!!!!! Then I look at my BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN AND PERFECT LIFE and think MY GOD, HAD I SUCCEEDED WHERE YOU LET ME FAIL, I WOULDN’T HAVE EVERYTHING THAT I’M SOOOOOOOOOOO BEYOND THANKFUL AND GRATEFUL FOR!!!!!!! The whole thing has me feeling sick…my stomach twists and turns over every bit of it…WHAT HIS FAMILY IS SUFFERING THROUGH AND THE SMALL (in comparison) PORTION OF WHAT I PUT EVERONE THROUGH ALL THOSE YEARS AGO AND THE LARGE PORTION OF WHAT I COULD HAVE PUT EVERYONE THROUGH!!! It’s so fucking disturbing, I can’t even find the words to properly express JUST HOW DISTURBING this all is for me!!!!!!
Then I feel like an ass coz…HELLO…THIS ISN’T ABOUT ME!!! I know this isn’t about me, but it’s still having a very negative impact on my life…and that much is totally out of my control!!! IN FACT…I’D GIVE ALMOST ANYTHING TO BE ABLE TO CONTROL IT!!! I’ve been trying to force myself into the state of being numb…sometimes I win, sometimes I lose!
Man…I haven’t even “made a dent” in all that I have to say and all I need to say…but it’s like 3:30am and MY CHILDREN DON’T HAVE A SNOOZE BUTTON!!!!!!! I’ll come back and write more…I NEED TO…I REALLY REALLY NEED TO!!! But just to get that much of it out, I DO FEEL A LOT BETTER NOW THAN I DID BEFORE!!! Thanks for taking the time to read…BUT TIME IS PRECIOUS…SO PLEASE SPEND IT WISELY AND MOST IMPORTANTLY…MAKE PEACE…WITH ANYTHING…ANYONE…EVERYTHING…EVERYONE!!!!!!!!!!!! Find closure where it refuses to be found!!!!! Try not to waste it taking people or situations for granted!!! I’VE SPENT THE LAST MONTH LEARNING THAT EVERY DREAM IS ACHIEVABLE AND PERFECTION (or close enough to it) IS POSSIBLE, BUT ONLY WITH THE STRONGEST DOSES OF PATIENCE, LOVE, AND PERSISTENCE!!! IT WILL ALWAYS START AND END WITH………….YOU!!!
G’night!!!
*Yes, I do realize that I just made up a new form of the word infathomable…GET OVER IT…I MAKE UP MY OWN LANGUAGE ALL THE TIME!!!
**I also realize that I’m swearing (throwing the eff bomb) excessively…but that’s how I emphasize what I’m saying/feeling and THIS IS A DIFFICULT TOPIC…therefore, in my mind, I feel justified…and furthermore, I don’t care who agrees!
***Irene is my middle name…just a small joke to try to lighten things…coz that’s what I do…and that’s who I am…and it didn’t really work anyhow!!!
Man, if I’da known that the Whore on the Floor was gonna raise my blog stats, I so would have “booked her” earlier!!! No, but seriously…that just helps prove that too many people entertain themselves with THE STRANGEST SHIT!!! I can’t complain, I don’t mind being read, really I don’t…I’m not liking the views/comments ratio though!!! HINT HINT (subtle enough???) YEAH, THAT MEANS YOU, BUDDY!!! You came here, you took the time to read…the LEAST you should could do after I’ve tried so hard to amuse you, is either tell me I rock or I suck. At least then I would know whether or not I should quit my day job. Oh wait, hmmm…well, don’t expect me to give up parenting coz I’m having too much fun, damnit! But really, it helps to know just what I’m up against here. Who comes here? Who wants to read what? What’s your humor? What’s your pleasure? What’s your poison? What’s your passion? HA HA, I’M AN ASS AND I LOVE IT!!! :o)
Nothing really new to report here! The 4 of us went to a little girl’s 3rd Birthday party this evening. As ususal, I made us late. Before the twins, I swear I had a better grip on time and reality, lol. Now??? I underestimate too much sometimes, especially time!!! So we get there and I pretty much expected the opposite of what it was like. I figured something small. HOLY CRAP! There were people (especially children) everywhere. SCREAMING. Not the adults, (FYI!) just the kids. It was a ginormous home filled with lotsa screaming brats. I love children, don’t get me wrong…BUT I LOVE MY PEACE AND QUIET LITTLE ATMOSPHERE WAY MORE!!!* It was so nutz, that I didn’t get a chance to chat with our friend (Mommy of the b-day girl) until I momentarily hugged her goodbye on our rush way out the door. It was a great party, everyone was having fun and all that jazz…I guess we all just weren’t up for it as much as we had thought. We stayed for 1 1/2 hours and definitely had our fill. Nice ride home, nice family time once we came home, and now…everyone is tucked away sound asleep~WHICH IS EXACTLY WHERE I SHOULD BE damnit!!!
However, I just had to check on the blog out of morbid curiosity! I hope to have some really good stories soon…maybe I’ll have one or two coming up here soon since today should be eventful. An old (as in from my past, not AGE!) friend of mine that I haven’t seen or talked to in the last 2 1/2 years has resurfaced and we’re gonna get together here and catch up! We had a falling out from bad circumstances that got the best of us. She has never met my babies, so I’m really really really super excited!!! C’mon, how great is it to show off the most gorgeous creatures and loves of your life to people??? Especially with someone that I have always and will always admire! She and I have always gotten along and most importantly, we always had something to talk about and mostly agree upon! Communication is soooooooooo damn important and nothing to take for granted. Now that she’s in a better place in her life and I’m in a better place in my life, we can reconnect and regain that friendship we once shared. YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!
Ok, I bet my blog stats are about to plummet with how uneventful this blog is…hmmmm. Since we already covered the whore on the floor, I might have to start scouting for some new “talent” (I use that term loosely as well!!!) I’ll get right on that…AFTER I GET A GOOD NIGHT’S REST!!! Sweet dreams everyone!!!
*With the exception of MY children!!!
Why have a blog if you’re not gonna write? I don’t know, but I have one, so GET OVER IT!!! LOL…I’m just in rare form today. I went out last night for the first time without the babies since before they were born! Yep, a whole 15 months since the last time I was out amongst adults, having a good time. Sure, the babies are my life and they are all I’ll ever need, BUT!!! A girl’s gotta get out, “flaunt” her stuff and pretend she’s not just a Mother, but a WOMAN as well. It would have worked great too, but the night ended a little too sickening for my taste!
First off, if you’d like to judge me…just get on with it! That’s your fair warning for what I’m about to admit in this blog. I mean, it’s been no secret for the past 8 years of my life. I’ve been “straight” forward with everyone in my life about who I am and I try mostly to explain why I am who I am or the way I am, but some people will just never get it! If that’s you, well just move on. It’s cool, no big deal and there are plenty of other “normal” people who have blogs that you can go and read. So anyhow, I’M BISEXUAL!!! Yeah, it’s just one aspect of my life that makes me the woman I am today. There are certain circumstances in my past that have led me down this path in life…I wasn’t born this way. There are just some criminal assholes in the world that like to f*ck with peoples’ lives not giving a shit about the consequences…WOW, WHAT A RANT! LOL The whole concept isn’t funny, so don’t think I’m laughing about that, just the cursing. Yes, I amuse myself and I’m damn proud that I have that ability!!!
So anyhow, that was just to set the stage for my little story. There’s a local band around here that I absolutely love. They play the same old songs and their routine is a bit repetitive, HOWEVER, they have great party personalities and are great fun to be around. Having said that, the lead singer is (in my opinion) a hot blonde! I’ve been drooling over her for the past 5 years and it’s been really fantastic flirting and letting the lust show. Given the chance 5 years ago when I was certainly wilder, I may have “gone there!” A little bit older, a little bit wiser, and a LOT MORE RESPONSIBLE~~~today, I wouldn’t go there! Don’t take that wrong…Beth, I’ll always LUST you, lmao! I’ve just settled down a lot. I got 2 little guys that are counting on me to make more right choices than wrong ones these days. A lot tougher than I realized it would be. And I must say that although I wanted to be a younger Mother, I can really appreciate that I got the opportunity to go and sew a lot of wild oats. I’m sure everything I’ve experienced up to this point in my life has made me a stronger Mother than I ever could have been 10 years ago!!! And, I always agree that everything happens for a reason!!! Where I’m at now is the ideal place and atmosphere to raise those handsome little devils and I’m so proud of how far I’ve come. OK, gushing here!!! LOL
I got so off track! There’s seriously a whore on the floor in this story somewhere!!! So I got the babies all ready for bed last night…breastfed, changed, dressed, etc. and headed out for a great night at the bar…YEEEEEEEEE HAWWWWWWW!!! Yeah, that’s what you get when you live “in the stix” where bowling is pretty much your only other option!!! We showed up and I couldn’t be happier to get that great big flashy smile as soon as I caught her eyes…HELL YEAH!!! I was on my best behavior…SCOUTS HONOR!!! But I got my hugs and enough touching (non sexual PEOPLE…this is not a pornographic blog I’m running here!!!) to put a smile on my face for the rest of the night!* They sang & performed, some people danced, and you don’t want to know what the male bartenders were wearing!!! That’s probably a blog for another day. So, there’s this one chick…guess there’s always that one person, huh? And, you know, I sometimes use to be that one person if I was drunk enough. But this lady woman girl, mid 30’s, (I’d say) blonde, OK looking, was in a short black skirt FLAUNTING EVERYTHING!!! Naturally, the more she drank, the more she exposed! Did I really wanna know what color her underwear (from hip to ass, mind you) were? NOPE!!! But there they were in all their PINK F*CKING GLORY for all to see! Not just once either!!! UGH! And did I want to see what (her man???) looked like with his shirt off??? That’s a negative too! They were bumpin’, they were grindin’, and only God knows what else!!! I’da pretty much chalked it up to air f*cking! I was having great fun up to that point, really I was! I actually found a drink I could tolerate and actually ended up enjoying the taste…that, my friends, is a shocker in itself. Let’s just say I don’t get along with a variety of liquors any longer!!! And beer??? Fuhhggeddabouddit!!! YUCK…the thought of the taste of beer just nauseates me…THIS COMING FROM THE GIRL WHO USE TO BEER BONG WITH THE BEST OF ‘EM!!! Yeah, I’m turning into a pansy…get over that one too!
So yeah, back to (what I like to call her, as you’ve already guessed) the Whore on the Floor…like, YUCK!!! That chick really needs to learn more self -respect and respect for others. I KNOW I KNOW…if someone would have said that to me a few years back, I would have been blood-boiling pissed!!! However, I realize now how much of an ass I was and all of the stupid shit I’ve done in my past AND I’M NOT 30 YET DAMNIT!!! I don’t like to judge, I really don’t! But I refuse to hold back my opinion on my damn blog…LADY (and I use that term rather loosely {no pun intended, whatsoever!!!}) GET A F*CKING** CLUE!!! Not too many people find that sexy or entertaining…and those that do??? MY POINT EXACTLY!!! There’s nothing wrong with having fun and maintaining some dignity at the same time. You can still flash it and flaunt it with minimum exposure and get maximum results. Oh well, at least I got the chance to vent! Now I’m done…WHEW!
Anyhow, I was tired and just wanted to call it a night. I didn’t drink and party nearly as much as I had intended, but I did drink a pretty decent amount…enough to have a crappy hangover today! That’s fine, it was expected and I was covered, lol. We grabbed a bite to eat and headed home. I put the babies to sleep or they put me to sleep, one of the two. All in all, I suffered minimally compared to what I had anticipated and I got to take an afternoon nap today, SO IT’S ALL GOOD!!!
Now I’m back to boring, so I’m gonna cut y’all loose before I start babbling about stupid shit! Take care and peace out, yo!!!
* I haven’t found a therapist yet that works with people who have exclamation point issues!!! :o)
**Yeah, like an asterisk in any form of the word fuck really makes a difference!!! :o) Sue me, I think it adds character!!!
Well…it’s been a long long time since I’ve posted anything…SHAME ON ME!!! What was I thinking neglecting my 2 person audience??? Well, I’m a bit like that…thinking comes naturally to a lot of people, I am not one of those people. Oh well, what can you do when you have amateur writer’s block??? Is there a cure? It’s not like my home is uneventful! Why, just today, my little Zai~Bert decided to climb up the oven and learned the hard way that NO MEANS NO DAMNIT!!! No, for real…he got his little big toe pinched when the door came crashing down and it swelled up like a big ol’ balloon and was a pretty shade of purple. Screamed for almost an hour straight…I don’t know who’s head was pounding more, his or mine!?! I don’t know why, but I knew when I was pregnant with my twins that he was going to be the more difficult of the 2. I had dreams, I had feelings…call it intuition, call it what you want, but this cute little shit is a walking heart attack for me!!! He’s always the one getting hurt first…he’s very daring and adventurous. What can ya do, really? This mother thing was a lot tougher than I had imagined all those years. You plan on everything being beautiful and wonderful…AND IT IS…NEVER get me wrong! It’s the greatest feeling in the world being their Mommy, but I thought I had a few more years before I would have to start stuffing them into protective sporting gear.
What else has been going on? Hmmmmm. Well, I’ve been doing a lot of work around the house with Brenda’s help. I hadn’t really unpacked since we moved here last April, so I have boxes galore everywhere. NOW…I actually have a beatiful dark blue bedroom carpet and a newly renovated office/smoking room. It was awesome. I had never painted or fixed up anything like this room. Basically a hole in the wall and now it’s bright, cheerful, and a very peaceful place to get away and take some time out. But see??? This is all boring stuff. This crap isn’t what people wanna read about. People want drama with all the gory details. WELL THEN PEOPLE…YOU’VE COME TO THE WRONG PLACE!!! LOL
Let’s see…my wedding is coming up…YAYYYYYYY!!! So excited. Can’t wait to get hitched and gamble all in the pretty city of Vegas…I’m hoping to hit big so I can get myself a minivan, but I don’t see it happening. Hmmm….any good gambling pointers? I’m mainly a slots girl, so we’ll see. So long as we all have fun and I get my first limo ride, I couldn’t possibly lose big. Sorta nervous about the babies flying and taking them far away from home! They are soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo cranky when we leave home and this will be for a week, YIKES!!! Anyone got any tranquilizers??? FOR ME FOR ME…NOT THE CHILDREN…I’m not THAT insane!!! :o)
OK, here’s something to bitch about!!! Yeah, I’ll always have SOMETHING to gripe about, so why not share? Sharing is the cool thing to do, right? So yeah, a month ago I had cracked my upper maxillary (don’t ask, but that word is important) molar by biting down hard on my tongue barbell while eating a friggin’ hot dog!!! We already know I’m an idiot in the first place, but what did I do about it??? Of course, I went to the dentist. He offered to fill it for me, but I just had to get it pulled. In my little head, I figured it would save me problems down the road. Yeah, someone shoot me and put me out of my idiocy!!! NEVER, and I really do repeat…NEVER NEVER NEVER get any of your premaxillary or maxillary molars removed…EVER!!! If you have the option to just fix them or work around the problems, DO IT!!! I had no idea what I was in store for and I’M STILL SUFFERING!!! My dentist is a friggin’ bonehead!!! I don’t know where he got his license to practice dentistry, but it needs to be revoked for God’s sake!!! Did he bother to argue with me about pulling it out? NO! Did he offer information on what was about to take place and the consequences I was about to face??? (Poet & didn’t even know it!!!) This bastard just looks at me and was like..OK! What an asshole!!! AFTER the procedure, he tells me, “If blood starts falling out of your nose, don’t be alarmed!” WTF??? “If you’re eating or drinking something and it comes out your nose too, don’t be alarmed!” THEN AND ONLY THEN does he decide to explain to me that the tooth is connected to my sinuses and that there’s a hole from my gums up into my sinus cavity…WELL YIPPY F*CKING SKIPPY!!! Thank you “doctor” for telling me this now. I’m so happy I can whistle out my f*cking nose!!! NO, SERIOUSLY, for the first 2 days I could whistle out of my nose just by blowing air out of my mouth. WTF??? That wasn’t the worst part. Yeah, there’s always more. The dick left “bone fragments” in my gums and I had to go back 1 1/2 weeks later to get those removed. However, I still felt “bone fragments” up inside the gaping hole and went back another 1 1/2 weeks later. He looks at me, tells me it’s my friggin’ jaw bone, and DOES ABSOLUTELY NOTHING about it!!! It’s a month later and it’s still sore, tender, and F*CKING OPEN!!! I keep experiencing food particles getting lodged up inside my nasal passage and back down my throat…drinks too. I KNOW I KNOW TMI!!! Sorry, but what else is there really to write about? LOL If I can’t bitch and moan about my dentist, then what’s the point of having my own blog really??? I can’t call the dentist, coz what’s he gonna do? COZ ME MORE ISSUES is my only guess…do you have a different guess? I can still blow air up into my sinuses and my whole nasal system is screwed up…I figure if the bitch who got away with suing McDonald’s for a stupid cup of HOT coffee, then I can get away with suing my dentist for post nasal drippage :o) Nahhh, I’m not a sue happy person, but I trusted that inadequate son of a bitch with my whole head, and now I’m having problems out the nose…no pun intended, really ;o) (if you believe that, I’ll tell ya another)
So yeah, still nothing to write about. We’ve just been trying to get through winter and all these bumps, bruises, fevers, and anything else that could and does go wrong. How about the superbowl though? That was a pretty good game with an excellent outcome. I figure, if the STEELERS didn’t make it, then why should the f*cking Patriots end up with a perfect/undefeated season? BASTARDS!!! No, for real though, I wouldn’t have cared either way, but I’m glad the Giants walked away with the title! I’d root for the underdog anyday. Next year, though, THE STEELERS BETTER BE PLAYING IN THE SUPERBOWL!!! What better reason to throw a big bash and drink ourselves stupid??? Speaking of which…I actually have plans to go out soon…WITHOUT THE BABIES. This never happens. I’m too anal retentive of a Mother to leave them for more than 2 hours with ANYONE…yes, even their Father. He’s a great guy and wonderful Father, but I’m very particular when it comes to them. I just decided that it’s been too long since I’ve gotten some adult time out and away from them. The bar is probably not the best choice, but my favorite local band will be playing and I haven’t seen them for over a year now. I use to be their “mascot!” OK, not really, but a great story nonetheless. The short version: We were at a (what I would basically call) biker’s convention summer of ‘04 and, of course, I was on a mission to flash my boobs at anyone and everyone who would give me beads! Mardis Gras ain’t got nuthin’ on my collection from that weekend, lol. So anyhow, the lead vocalist of the band yells out to the crowd in disappointment, “This is suppose to be a party, where are all the tits???” And me, not wanting to disappoint her, climbed up and straddled my boyfriend’s shoulders and took it all off…OK, just from the waist up, but it was great!!! Boy, I got popular real quick, lol. Then she says, “Is that OUR Llizz???” “Everyone give it up for our new mascot!!!” It was awesome. Probably becoz I was really drunk from the 18 wheeler full of Coors Light with beer taps running down the side…how great was that??? Well, I won’t tell you my other story from that weekend, but I WILL swear until the day I die that it WAS the Blair Witch that kidnapped me, stole all of my clothes, and left me wandering around drunk and naked along side that major highway!!! They didn’t believe me back at camp, but they weren’t there, so ’nuff said!!!
Wow, I got way off track! I don’t even know how the hell I started babbling, but I like to just go with it :o) I have many great stories and many great memories, but I’m undecided on whether I should only blog about things going on in the present, or mix it up a little. I’ll figure it out one day though. So, now that I’m lost on what I was talking about, I have no idea what I should discuss with myself next. Hmmmmm…
How about my poor children??? Yes, I call them poor coz I feel really bad for them. I’ve never had allergies and neither has their Dad, that I’m aware. It’s crazy. I’m literally afraid to feed my children regular people food. Since Isaiah had his first food allergy attack at 8 months, food scares the crap out of me!!! They’re both allergic, but to different foods. So far, the list includes peanuts, eggs, & scallops. Yeah, not a very long list you say??? Well, you come do our shopping and see how many labels contain one or more of those and other allergy warnings!!! I never realized that peanuts were that popular among the rest of the crap out there to eat. AND YES, I DO SEEMINGLY HAVE AN OBSESSION TONIGHT WITH THE WORD CRAP, GET OVER IT!!! And, NO, I did not feed my children scallops. I was merely feeding them a mixture of mashed potatoes, peas, and corn from my plate that was exposed to scallop juice. OH NO, THE DREADED DEADLY POISONOUS OUCHY SCALLOP JUICE!!! WTFF??? (translation WTFF = what the f*ckity f*ck???) I mean, c’mon! Where’s the justice? I’m suppose to be lovingly bonding with my children over food and by sharing food and you’re telling me that I’m unintentionally “poisoning” (for lack of a better word) my children??? Isaac had hives all over his body from head to toe for a week from that episode. I have to admit, I’m very grateful that my children are only moderately-severely allergic to certain foods instead of fatally, HOWEVER, these are my poor children DAMNIT, leave them alone!!!
Don’t ask who I was talking to there, I have no clue!!! Oh great…I just had to think! (I know, this blog is soooooooooooooooooooo friggin’ long!) But, I have a thought and I’m not leavin’ until I “sort” this thought out damnit! I just remembered that I’m actually gonna have to start cooking. I HATE COOKING!!! I mean, inside, I know I could/would enjoy it. But psychologically, I hate it!!! A long story I’ll probably never get into, BUT my Mother has me so screwed up in the head!!! Anyhow, becoz of this and that and that and this and the thingie with the thingie in the thingie, I HAVE NEVER WANTED TO LEARN HOW TO COOK ANYTHING OTHER THAN OODLES OF NOODLES AND MACARONI AND CHEESE!!! For God’s sake, I only really made spaghetti for the 1st time 4 years ago and I’m 28…YIKES!!! My POOR children would become so malnurished on a diet of caff. free pepsi and ZINGERS!!! Thank the Heavens above their Father is an excellent cook!!! But yeah, I would really like to get around to practicing making a larger variety of things. We’ll see how that turns out…I suppose I’ll keep everyone posted by bitching about it from time to time.
Well, I’d just love to be spitting out random thoughts and stories all night long, but you know! The children are asleep, but won’t stay that way forever, so I must force myself to crawl into bed. I hate going to bed too! Ugh! It’s pretty irritating to want to sleep so bad, but your mind just won’t let you!!! Hope all is well for everyone, sweet dreams, yada yada, blah blah, and all that jazz! G’NIGHT!!!
Yayyyyyyyy, the holidays are over. Not really, I pretty much hate that and how the whole concept of time works, but whatever! I could bitch about that and other things, I’m sure…but what sense does that really make when you can’t change things! CRAPPENS…(it’s a Llizz thing)! So, yeah…all the anticipation of Thanksgiving, Isaac & Isaiah’s 1st Birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s Day, and my Birthday was super kickass in comparison to the actual events, but I really am so grateful that everything went swimmingly and it’s done! Now if only we can all get through this viral/bacterial/upper respiratory issue, I think the stress levels and homelife will hopefully get back to normal (whatever the hell that word really means!!!)
I’d like to give props to all of my friends and family that helped out and celebrated these joyous times with us, but mostly Brenda, John, & my Mom!!! Being a (sorta) new mother to twins is pretty challenging and exhausting mentally, physically, emotionally, and spritually. It’s definitely something I’ll continue to grow through and remember to appreciate more and more with time! However, if it weren’t for Brenda & John being around here in shifts to help me maintain what little energy and sanity I have left, well…there really are no words!!! Ummm, yeah, (I did think about it for a really long time, ha ha!!!) just no way to describe it! But knowing just how happy and gorgeous inside and out those 2 boys are, that’s plenty of reward that has become my privilege to share with my 2 helpers (ha ha)! Then there’s my Mom (Ga Ga) who helped so much during their 1st birthday party…she cooked a lot of food and ran around like a chicken with her head chopped off. Brenda did all of the decorating. John did all of the running around and helped with the preparations…so without their help, it would have been all too stressful for me to handle…they’ll never know how much I really appreciated and will always continue to appreciate their love and support!
Yeah, ok, done being sentimental…or am I? Hmmm, no promises! So…I really don’t know what to blog about!!! Should I blog about the holidays? Should I blog about my babies being sick for the past 12 days? Should I blog about the bastard tooth I cracked today on a weiner hot dog??? Should I talk about stress management or my need for therapy? Should I blog about all the annoying things that John does to get under my skin? Should I blog about nice things the some people might find a bit too boring? Should I blog about the badass presents we all got for birthdays and Christmas??? Somehow when I started this, I felt like blogging and now…I JUST DON’T! Either I have too much to say and not enough time or I can’t find anything to say and then I waste too much of that precious time thinking with NOTHING being the end result. HENCE, THIS DAMN BLOG!!!
No one ever comments anyhow, so I mostly feel like I’m blogging to myself…IT’S ALRIGHT PEOPLE! I don’t mind talking to myself, I do it all day long in my little world! That and it’s kinda nice getting stupid random thoughts out of my head…it’s so friggin’ cluttered up there, ya know?
Ok, I’m blogged out…tired and stressed from the holidays and ailments…so I guess blogging will have to wait until I feel like talking and actually have something to say. But AGAIN…THANK YOU TO EVERYONE THAT MADE THIS A GREAT HOLIDAY SEASON AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! I pray everyone has the safest, happiest, great 2008!!! Peace & Love!!!
8 days until Christmas, how cool is that??? I know, I’ve been neglecting my website, but I’ve been lazy busy folks! Thankfully (Brenda Lee), I had help this year preparing for the holiday festivities, so I can pretty much relax and let the good times roll. Actually, the only exciting thing will be watching my children participate in their first Christmas that they’re mobile enough to enjoy!!! I can’t wait…TOYS TOYS TOYS!!! Some of us have kids accidentally, some have kids coz it’s the thing to do, some do it for the attention, some to have their childhood reborn. I pretty much fit into the last category! (Yes, I have issues with exclamation points!!!)
I didn’t have much of a childhood, and I didn’t particularly have children to get it back, but it’s a great bonus!!! I just happened to be blessed more than I ever could have possibly imagined!!! Isaac & Isaiah truly are happy, gorgeous, healthy twins that I could never fathom not having in my life…before them, I had NOTHING…ABSOTIVELY, POSILUTELY NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHING!!! They’re pretty good babies too and everyone even says it all the time. Sure, they have their cranky moments and temper tantrums, but who doesn’t? I think I throw more bitchfests than they could ever possibly throw!!! I’m like that, ya know!
Then there’s John…a very decent, loving, great provider, great father, kind man! However, he’s without a doubt getting on my f*cking nerves irritating me lately! The man has been warned, truly warned. I get psycho semi-bitchy right before that lovely curse time of the month. It’s not my damn fault…I didn’t ask for a case of PMDD!!! I never even asked for a damn reproductive system…thank heavens I have one, though, otherwise no babies…DUH! But the man knows that I suffer emotionally and go all nutzo…it happens every month without fail…YOU THINK HE’D BE USE TO IT BY NOW, BUT NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…that’s asking too much, along with asking him to bare with me DAMNIT!!! People are just suppose to know that if the Mother isn’t happy, then NO ONE IS GOING TO BE HAPPY!!! What does he do, you ask??? He adds fuel to the fire. Everyone (with common freakin’ sense, that is) knows that you never add an accelerant to a fire that you would prefer to put out!!! HELLOOOOO??? AM I TALKING TO MYSELF HERE??? Needless to say, we’re not on speaking terms right now…he had the audacity to PISS ME THE F*CK OFF!!! So, at this point, men are just bastards…well, except for Isaac & Isaiah…but they have their moments too around this time each month, ha ha. I don’t know if it’s a man thing, an Australian thing, or a mixture of both, but I swear to God, he has no freakin’ common sense or the ability to retain any new information that comes from me. I could tell him the same thing 50 million times and it still won’t sink in…UGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
OK, enough venting I suppose! Although, it does help!!! So what’s new??? Nothing really. My best friend Brenda & I took the babies to the local mall to sit on Ho Ho’s lap. Of course, my babies, being 1, cried their asses off. Well, Isaac cried his ass off and Isaiah just sat there with a scared look on his face. I’m pretty sure they were both sending me telepathic messages asking me to please get them off of his f*cking lap, but I had no choice but to ignore the messages long enough to get pictures…DUH, IT’S A MOM THING! Poor babies, one day they’ll understand and let go of the trauma…maybe! But how cute are they anyhow??? {Scroll to top, stare at picture, ponder…now make sure you answer that CORRECTLY!!! :o)}
Let’s see…what else? Not much really. Last week I assembled this gigantic freakin’ entertainment system from Ikea in our living room. Holy crap, the thing took me 3 days. Only becoz I was too busy to do it all at once and there were 4 huge pieces to it that eventually came together, but wow…it was crazy. My hands were wounded several times, but it was well worth it!!! I felt more productive in those few days than I have for the past 2 years! This place is definitely feeling more and more like home. Today, I got to assemble the babies’ new toybox that their irritating wonderful Father bought them for a late birthday/early Christmas present…so that was cool. Well, except for the fact that Isaac & Isaiah thought it would be cool to try to tear it apart as I was trying to put it together…darn babies!!! They make things more complicated sometimes, I think they get that from me, so I can’t really complain. It was worth it though…you wouldn’t believe how many toys fit in there and it’s still not half full…YIKES!!! That just means I get to do more shopping after Christmas…NOT!!! They’re so spoiled, it’s unreal. But just in case these are all the babies I’ll ever have, I gotta do this right, ya know?!!! So long as they learn and practice the important lessons in life, I don’t see a problem with the spoiling…that and I just can’t help myself. Whoever created Amazon.com, they really really really love me!!! But, alas, I have nothing more to assemble, so now I get to go back to being my lazy old self again (insert sobbing)!
Well, I can’t really think of anything else that’s been going on lately. Same old routine day in day out…I suppose that’s what I signed up for when I got pregnant, but it’s definitely better than the drama…wouldn’t trade my boring old Mommy days for anything in the world!!! So, I guess, until something interesting happens again, I’m signing off! Sweet dreams y’all & good night! PEACE!!!
I suppose I shouldn’t wait so long in between posts, however, I’ve been pretty tired and busy. Thursday and Friday were spent preparing for the Twins’ 1st Birthday party Saturday, December 08! Props go to Brenda Lee and my Mother for all their help, coz I couldn’t have done it without them!!! I then spent Sunday recuperating and then watching the Steelers lose to the Patriots…UGH!!! I know it’s my fault, I forgot to wear the babies’ Steeler outfits on them…WHAT THE F*CK WAS I THINKING??? Y’all can blame me if you want, I already do!!!
Nothing majorly interesting happened, but the party was a blast. We have a pretty nice sized home…or so I thought! Usually, when I have a get together, many people cancel or come up with some excuse as to why they couldn’t make it…Saturday was the exception. Come 2 o’clock, the door bell seemingly never quit ringing. A few times, there were people lined up at the door. At one point, I told John he was going to have to buy me a bigger house next year…ha ha, at least he found the humor in it. I also had mentioned that I thought our home was pretty big but guessed I had been wrong! Our foyer is pretty small so there was a sea of shoes, we ran out of coat hangers and room in the closet to accomodate the guests, there weren’t enough seats, and I couldn’t run around fast enough to greet people. I was so amazed and shocked at the turnout!!! Naturally, everyone loves my children, lol.
They made out pretty well too, the little stinkers! They got tons of toys, clothes, and money…I’m thinking of throwing myself a b-day party in 3 weeks and inviting the same people just to see if I get showered the same…ha ha DOUBTFUL. Nahhh, not throwing myself a party, but I did tell my Mother that when I turn 30, there better be a kickass party going on!!!
Everything went great, but I guess I waited too long for the gift opening and cakes, coz people were leaving and the babies were getting cranky and tired. So they had to have a nap and a lot of people that I really wanted here to sing to them had already left. It was disappointing, but oh well. It was still a great event and I took a lot of pictures to make sure they saw that tons of people came just for them. I can’t remember ever attending a party where I had to squeeze through people just to make it from one side of the house to the other…IT WAS GREAT, PEOPLE!!!
We made it to the highchairs for some ice cream cake, coz unfortunately my sons seem to be allergice to eggs and I wasn’t taking any chances, benedryl or no benedryl. Of course, they were crying coz the ice cream cake was too cold even though I let it defrost for like an hour or longer so it wouldn’t be too cold. Eventually, I had to sit the cakes on the floor and try to let them go at it, but the other pigs children took over and nearly ate them both. Yeah yeah, I was one of the pigs on the floor, ha ha. It was delicious anyhow and we got all messy, so we had a blast…that’s all that matters, right? Thank God I’m not one of those Moms that care whether there’s cake in her hair with people around, ha ha.
I know, this is all boring…just remember that I’m writing this for Isaac and Isaiah…NOT FOR YOU, DAMNIT!!!
Their real birthday is tomorrow and I’m excited. I saved a few presents and we’re gonna make a pound cake (no eggs) and sing to them again…only this time with Aunt Brenda there!!! I can’t believe it’s been a year since they were born. They’re getting so big and it makes me sad that I can’t get any of the last year back. But it also makes me happy to know that for the last year I’ve helped raise and mold 2 of the most gorgeous creatures in the world. I’m blessed that they are happy, healthy, and smart little boogers!!! I also can’t believe that I’ve lasted this whole year with breastfeeding without ripping all of my hair out! Not an easy task and twins doesn’t make it any easier…but I wouldn’t change a minute of it for anything in the whole universe!!! They’re approximately 23 pounds a piece and approximately 27″ a piece…blonde hair, gray blue eyes…who could ask for anything more??? Better yet, THEY’RE BOYS!!!!!!!!!!
SIDE NOTE TO MY BABIES:
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MY BEAUTIFUL SONS, ISAAC WILLIAM JAYDEN & ISAIAH PAUL JOEL!!! MOMMY LOVES YOU WITH EVERYTHING THAT I AM AND ALL THAT I HAVE!!!
I’m sure that Great Grandma L., Great Grandma P., Grandpa Bill, Grandpa Paul, Grandma & Grandpa O. would love to have met you, but I’m also sure they’re watching over the both of you from wherever they are!!! They’re all greatly missed, but as long as I have you little guyz, I have all I’ll ever need in life!!!
~~Mommy!!!
While I’m afraid I have nothing chaotic or interesting to write about since the traumatic event 2 days ago, I am happy to entertain anyone willing to read about my experiences in the delivery room. Cute story anyhow, and if you disagree, just click the X to close out…SIMPLE, huh?
So it was around this time last year that I was HUMONGOUS and about ready to pop. Thankfully, I had a great pregnancy…amazing to note becoz I’m sure there are plenty of Mothers out there that can’t say the same with a multiple pregnancy! I was truly blessed!!! My 1st trimester was one big headache!!! No, seriously, I had a neverending headache…day in, day out…head poundage like you wouldn’t believe. I was also nauseated the entire 1st trimester…not the greatest time for me, but I got through it unscathed. Although, I do feel the need to point out that throughout my entire pregnancy, I only vomited maybe a handful of times. Someone “up there” really loves me!!!
My 2nd trimester was easy~peasy~1~2~threesy!!! My only complaint really was having to lie on my back for ultrasounds and what not. You would think such a beautiful moment seeing your bab(y/ies) swimming around inside would be so very very pleasant…WRONG!!! Firstly, there’s a vein in your back (can’t remember the name at this moment) that if you lay on it with enough pressure for longer than 5 f*cking seconds, you’ll start to pass out…I’d honestly have to say that is one of the strangest, yet unfavorable sensations in the world. It had previously happened to me only once before, and I must report that feeling that total loss of control among the negative physical effects, it’s just definitely something I never want to feel again!!! Although, it was GREAT!!! seeing my mother’s jaw hit the floor when the radiology technician plopped the wand on my tummy & immediately 2 little heads popped up on the screen!!! It was hilarious. I was praying for expecting it, becoz after all, the gyne told me a couple weeks prior that I was larger than I was suppose to be and that either I was further along than we thought (I prayed against that one, lol) or I was having multiples! How happy I was to learn that my body is just cool like that!!! Ok, I’m straying off track here. This is suppose to be about the labor part, not the pregnancy…although, maybe I should write about the pregnancy, coz after all, it was pretty damn fantastic (albeit, boring to the average reader, I’m sure!) So anyhow, the 2nd trimester went pretty well, except for the time that my friend Mindy tried ending the pregnancy in a canoeing accident…ha ha INSIDE JOKE (my friend’s ARE good people, no worries!)
My 3rd trimester was AWESOME!!! I was huge huge huge, and if you know me, you know I’m pretty short. Everyone thought it was funny that someone as small as myself could be so big, carry twins, and still be right on schedule with the babies’ weight and length. Even my mother was amazed that I could still climb over crap in a storage unit at 8 months gestation…it rocked. Actually, I was put on Brethine (a pill that prevents contractions) becoz I guess I was having them at 7 months and they were worried I would deliver early. They stuck me on bedrest…not strict or anything…and I didn’t really listen. No, I’m not the type that would put my babies at risk or anything like that, I just tend to listen to what my body tells me instead of what others THINK my body is saying! Had I been the type to listen to doctors instead of my body, I more than likely would have died from appendicitis 11 years ago when my pediatrician claimed I only had the flu…’nuff said! So I did what I wanted, ate what I wanted, and everything worked out for the best!!!
I know, this story is boring, right? Well, not to me, so I’ll keep going whether you’ve clicked the X by now or not!!! So there I am, pregnant with twin boys, happy as can be! I kept rubbing my tummy and telling them over and over and over and over (you get the point) that they had to be born 12/12 coz 12 is just my favoritest number in the whole wide world!!! I guess my ob~gyn didn’t share my love for the number 12, coz he originally scheduled me to be induced (natural labor at this point) on the 14th…HOW DARE HIM?!?!? Then, my beautiful baby boy, Isaiah, did me the largest favor ever and flipped his little body around in there so he was breeched!!! Have I mentioned that I love my children?!!! I had no desire to do the natural birthing process…I wanted a c-section from the very beginning, lol. It was pretty strange coz the entire pregnancy, both heads were down. It just so happened that my little buddy decided, a week before the appointment to induce, that he loved his Mommy too much to let her go through all that pain and hard work, ha ha. So then, my ob~gyn decided to schedule a c-section for the 13th…ugh…where’s the love for 12??? I found out later that if I would have told him that I wanted them on the 12th, he would have happily complied…that was one time I wish I was the type of person that would speak up for myself, but alas, I’m a big ol’ schicken (spelled wrong on purpose people!!!)!
Sulking in my disappointment, I went on with the days leading up to the scheduled delivery. Just did my own thing and waited and waited growing more and more anxious and excited! I was staying at my Mom’s house during my last trimester for many different personal reasons, but the evening of the 11th, we happened to go to my place. I got a shower, actually shaved my legs, (ha ha, THANK GOD FOR ELECTRIC RAZORS WHEN YOU CAN’T POSSIBLY SEE, LET ALONE REACH, YOUR LEGS!!!) played on my computer becoz she didn’t have the internet, etc. It was going all fine and dandy until POP…there went my water. Of course, the last trimester, I had fun “crying wolf” about my water breaking, so my Mother didn’t believe me, ha ha. OOPS! So I’m standing there trying to convince her when she finally saw the puddle. I have to admit, I was a bit upset and disappointed that I might never get to feel what it feels like to have said water break. My babies were so good to me!!! It was such a weird and awesome sensation, but got a bit old when it wouldn’t quit after 30 minutes!!! Wearing one baby diaper after another in the car is NOT fun!!! But, hey…you really do gotta do whatchya gotta do!!! That was 7:15pm, so there I am thinking, OH NO, they won’t make it to the 12th. What did I do, you ask? Well, of course, I walked around slowly coz I’m big, fat, pretty immobile and becoz I was trying to prolong getting to the hospital. I read that you have within 24 hours after your water breaks to deliver, so I wasn’t worried, ha ha. I wasn’t having any contractions, no pain, nothing. So we drove back to my Mom’s (opposite way to the hospital by 22 miles round trip, lol) to get my stuff. I called a bunch of people to let them know I was gonna be having the babies pretty soon and drove merrily along. Yes, I was the one driving…why? COZ I’M STUBBORN LIKE THAT!!!
We get halfway to the hospital and I started feeling the pain…wasn’t anything too horrible yet, but getting there. I put off calling their Father as long as possible coz I didn’t feel like being irritated (side note: MEN ARE IRRITATING, ESPECIALLY IN SUCH SITUATIONS!!!) and I was too schicken to tell him that I could only have 1 person in the damn operating room & this was a time that I really really really needed my Mommy!!! I knew he wouldn’t be too happy, so I honestly didn’t tell him until the last damn possible second…that was highly unpleasant!
So, we get to the hospital around 10-10:30pm’ish, and I’m saying (and rubbing the big ol’ belly) please babies, wait a little while longer! What a stupid f*cker naive girl I am! I got up to the room, got into the obnoxious gown comfy clothes they give you, and thus started one of the most horrible few hours of my life!!! John finally gets there, so by that time I was emotionally sensitive and in so much pain that I can’t find the right word in any dictionary to justify it!!! What’s he do? Say a bunch of stupid shit to irritate me. I’m laying there, well…not really laying, more like sitting/laying/standing in 50 million different positions to try to get comfortable. There’s no way I could possibly do this becoz it FREAKIN’ HURT LIKE A MOTHERF*CKER!!! Yes, folks, I am a big big baby! I don’t know how women do it, I truly don’t. If I had to give birth naturally, I think I would honestly kill some innocent bystander in the process!!! They wouldn’t give me anything for the pain, mind you, I had only been in labor for about 20 minutes at this point. I was yelling, swearing, threatening to kill someone, telling my Mother to please kill me, praying to God for 30 seconds (JUST 30 DAMN SECONDS!!!) of relief!!! Then it came, 2 actual whole minutes without any pain or discomfort. WOO HOO!!! I was overjoyed. Then the pain came back…WTF?!?!? Naturally, I wasn’t happy and kept praying for another 30 seconds of relief, WHICH NEVER NEVER NEVER CAME!!!
At this point, I had waited so long (not really long, but long enough) to come into the hospital, that my ob~gyn was too busy delivering another woman’s girl twins, that they couldn’t get me in the operating room fast enough. However, in hindsight, this was a good thing since it was only still the 11th, lol. FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY, they came to wheel me into the operating room close to midnight. 2 1/2 hours of pure,